For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
