Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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