I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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