mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
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You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
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We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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