I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again