Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
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at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
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You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat