allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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