dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
