So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
