alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
