She's JV to your varsity
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
