Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
