just come out here and I will go home with you...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We smell like vodka and hangover
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
