When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
