On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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