Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize