Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
