booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
