The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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