Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
