FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
