Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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