Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
