life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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