WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
