A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
