I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
