I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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