there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
