My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
