Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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