dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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