too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
