I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
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I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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