sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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