a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I didn't shave. On purpose
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
