Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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