So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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