My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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