I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
