why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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