my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
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