home. puking in laundry basket.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
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I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
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I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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