Kareoke will never be a sober sport
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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