I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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