i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
