I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
