There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
