i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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