I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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