I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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