she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
