I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
