Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize