either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
