I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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