The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Come on in and take your pants off
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